Ranelagh Is A Den Of Anaesthetists

Ranelagh is den of anaesthetists
Sniffing fine prosciutto ham in Morton’s halls
Dragging back their English Springer Spaniels when
They follow fox spoor on their shit patrol
Occupying old Edwardiana;
Scooping out front gardens
Gravelling them and there corralling
Shiny tractors with a million horsepower
Even though the roads were built for just the one.
I would like to stop one and consult her
But I can’t afford the fee.

20/9/13

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Enterprise Sales 30 sec Radio Ad (April ’09)

toilet roll

30 sec. Radio ad “Haggle For It” written, voiced and produced by me in 2009 for Enterprise Sales Online.

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Old VO Demo (Warning; Contains “Uranus” Gag)

vomike

Came across this today whilst pretending to do something else. It’s a VO demo I wrote and recorded at Beacon Studios about a thousand years ago, with the inimitable Noel Storey pushing the buttons on the desk. It’s a fairly good example of how not to do a demo in that it’s quite good fun, but lacks the requisite shiteness of tone. It made me chuckle a little, which is the main thing.

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Words and talking ©2002 Dermot Carmody.Recorded by Noel Storey @ Beacon Studios.

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Shatter Blames “Protest Tourism” For Shell Policing Costs, Economic Downturn & Acne

Minister For Justice and leading Victorian gent, Alan Shatter has revealed the high cost of providing Garda protection of the Shell’s Philanthropic Corrib Installation.The minister blamed “Protest Tourism” for the extra €14,500,000 spent on security there in the last six years. “These beatnik rascals are bringing down the country”, said Mr. Shatter (148) of the [...]

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Burton Denies Shambles Is A Shambles

The Minister For Total Deflection, Joan Burton, has hit out at opposition claims that the forthcoming simultaneous retirement of a trillion public servants represents a “shambles”. Answering questions from radical reforming rump agglomeration, Fianna Fáil, Ms. Burton said the coalition government had been discussing the forthcoming retirements on a daily basis and following it on [...]

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Martin Upbeat On Fianna Fáil ‘Disarray’

The leader of Fianna Fáil has reacted positively to reports that his party is “in disarray” following the announcement that Brian Crowley will not seek a Presidential nomination. Crowley, who is Emperor Of Munster, vowed yesterday to pull out of the race for the Áras. He is the ninetieth candidate not in the race to [...]

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Gaybo Presidential Campaign In Turmoil After Pat Kenny Opens Big Gob

Gay Byrne’s possible bid to become President of Ireland is in turmoil as his RTE colleague Pat Kenny accused him of “dragging Ireland into the 20th century”. It is believed that Kenny was hinting at a plot involving Byrne and others to drag Ireland back to the 20th Century and keep it there. Some analysts [...]

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Emergency On Sunday Closes

The Emergency On Sunday is to close. This Sunday’s edition of the paper, which has been on newsstands for a thousand and three years, will be the last one. There will be no advertising in the final edition. The extra space will be occupied by extra breasts and a list of Premiership footballers who have [...]

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Judges To Shatter: Pay Cut Would Damage Pay

Senior judges have warned the Government that cutting their pay would damage the reputation of the judiciary in Ireland worldwide and also make it harder to be rich. Justice William “Wonga” O’Toole criticised the refusal of Minister For Justice, Alan “Shakespeare” Shatter to allow an independent review of judicial salaries. “To cut our pay as [...]

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Monorail Project To Varadkarville May Get Priority

The Minister for Transport, Leo Varadkar has hinted that rather than the Luas DXD Link or Metro North projects, a third transport initiative “Leorail” may get the nod in Spetember. The proposed Leorail line would run from everywhere to the newly designated Varadkarville Development Region in Dublin South. It would be the first ever supersonic [...]

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