Ranelagh Is A Den Of Anaesthetists

Ranelagh is den of anaesthetists
Sniffing fine prosciutto ham in Morton’s halls
Dragging back their English Springer Spaniels when
They follow fox spoor on their shit patrol
Occupying old Edwardiana;
Scooping out front gardens
Gravelling them and there corralling
Shiny tractors with a million horsepower
Even though the roads were built for just the one.
I would like to stop one and consult her
But I can’t afford the fee.

20/9/13

Old VO Demo (Warning; Contains “Uranus” Gag)

vomike

Came across this today whilst pretending to do something else. It’s a VO demo I wrote and recorded at Beacon Studios about a thousand years ago, with the inimitable Noel Storey pushing the buttons on the desk. It’s a fairly good example of how not to do a demo in that it’s quite good fun, but lacks the requisite shiteness of tone. It made me chuckle a little, which is the main thing.

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Words and talking ©2002 Dermot Carmody.Recorded by Noel Storey @ Beacon Studios.

Pome For Helen Lucy Bloody Burke

Helen Lucy Burke
Her duty will not shirk
She’ll save us all from sin and rape
With her clippings and a tape

She spoke unto the senator
Oh many years ago
And he let slip
From learned lips
Some things we ought to know

He’ll buy your sons for baubles
If he gets into the park
His sin is great his morals sparse
His intent fell and dark
Oh he’ll pretend his discourse
Was a musing on the Classic
(A little modern for Ms Burke,
Her period’s the Jurassic)

The callers and the tweeters
Of thee they have no knowing:
“This HLB, just who is she
And when will she be going?”

Oh Helen,
Helen Lucy,
Helen Lucy Bloody Burke
Don’t save us from the Senator
Don’t drag up that auld work
Do not protect us, Helen Lucy
Silly Goosey Burke

Song: “Spaniel Goalie”

For those of you who, like me, spent much of their childhood playing football in the rectory garden with a spaniel, this song will, I hope bring back bittersweet memories. It does for me. Not for the spaniel. He’s dead.

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Words and music ©2005 Dermot Carmody. Singing & playing by Dermot was recorded by Niall O’Sullivan.

Pome For Scholesy

Farewell then, Paul Scholes
You often put with majesty
Your foot right through the ball
To huge effect
(Though sometimes, the contact point was lower)

A Ginger Devil,
You did strut and fret your hour on stage,
Adored from the gods
In the Theatre of Dreams.

“Break a leg, son”,
Fergie would mutter in your ear backstage.
“I’ll do my best, boss”,
You would honestly reply.

Tractor Song

In some sort of sympathy with protesting farmers I present you with my song about one man’s love for a tractor. Indeed, for all tractors. As it contains both the line “Nothing is better than a Zetor” and the line “I was cheap with a Jeep”, I am very fond of it.

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Words and music ©2005 Dermot Carmody. Singing & playing by Dermot was recorded by Niall O’Sullivan.

Gormley’s Asylum And Gogarty’s Green Reich

Here’s an extract from the Green Party policy document on Human Rights & Mental Health (the full text is on the Green Party web site here).

We regard this Government’s plans to re-locate the Central Mental Hospital to a site alongside the planned Thornton Prison as being totally unacceptable. Such a move will accentuate the stigma and isolation/social exclusion of the mentally ill.

There’s much to admire in that document, including sensible warnings about a crass and improperly thought out policy of unsupported “care in the community” as well as the genuine concerns regarding the stigmatisation and marginilisation of those with serious mental health problems as in the example above.

It’s just words but words are important, particularly in this area. The casual use of the word “lunatic”, for example, seems to express not just the opinion that the thoughts and actions of another do not emanate from a healthy mind, but that this renders the object of the label a lesser being and one deserving of being marginalised and confined in an “asylum”. To save themselves and to save us from their feral unpredicatble ways.

Straitjacket

How far then from these laudible right-thinking tenets has John Gormley come when, as reported in today’s Irish Times, he stands up in the Dáil and surrenders to the flailing arms of this metaphor:

Speaking during the debate on the deal agreed with the IMF and the EU institutions, Mr Gormley said the Opposition claimed they were being “placed in a straitjacket. And I think that is a very apt analogy . . . Because when you are entering government you are entering an asylum, believe you me”.

It seems to me an unforgivably sloppy appropriation of pejorative language used in connection to people requiring the understanding and assistance of a government concerned genuinely with human rights. You could understand it to an extent if Gormely were fighting for his political life, but he and his parliamentary party are dead men walking in a zombie government, resigned to obliteration in a forthcoming election.

Or are they? Because here comes Paul Gogarty on Pat Kenny Today on RTE Radio 1 this morning to clarify the situation. Discussing Gormley’s unseemly self-pitying implosion in the Dáil he went immediately to the Little Shop Of Horrible Similes to assure us of the indefinite future survival of the Greens. In this he was admittedly enabled by Pat himself who offered up the analogy of Hitler in his bunker at the end of World War 2 to provide us with understanding (cough) of Gormley’s and the Greens’ predicament. But that doesn’t excuse him grabbing the ball and haring up to the end zone with it when he assured listeners that unlike the Third Reich, the Green Reich will continue because it is part of an international movement.

The Greens have a unique and hideous blend of self-pity and self-righteousness which has frustrated, offended and angered many thousands of us for some time now. The impression one has if one criticises them is that one just isn’t smart enough or born-again enough to appreciate the onerous duty of Right placed upon our higher caste Green brothers and sisters.

The mental health situation in the country is not, I would suggest being helped by the current crisis, by the isolated leaders who don’t seem to see us let alone understand us, or by silly people saying silly things and causing general horror because they are “in charge”.

To be invited to pity the Green Party leader because he has become as unfortunate as a mere “lunatic” in an “asylum” adds insult to ignominy.

Email To Senator Ivor Callely

This is the text of an email I just sent Senator Ivor Callely (ivor.callely@oireachtas.ie. I think it’s a reasonable request and I invite other Irish people to send a
similar message to Sen. Callely. Of course our other employee Brian Cowen ought to take the decision out of the gentleman in question’s hands. But the form there isn’t great.

Senator,

In the light of your apparent exposure as a dishonest drain on the state’s scarce resources I call on you as a citizen of Ireland to resign your seat, apologise to the struggling people of this country and assist the relevant authorities with any enquiry into your appropriation of sufficient money to keep a couple of ordinary families going for a year on top of your generous salary.

Thanks in advance
Dermot Carmody

Absolutely Invulnerable Bank

Wouldn’t it be great to get back to the good old days when the banks seemed to have everybody’s money and then some extra magic money on top of that. It was business as usual in those days.

This is an episode of the radio show based on the 2irish web siteI did along with Morgan C Jones at the turn of the century. The programmes were recorded in 2000 and aired on what was then Lite FM radio in Dublin. This one deals with the issue of over-charging of customers by the banks, specifically by AIB, or “Absolutely Invulnerable Bank”. Nowadays overcharging a few million is in the ha’penny place since the banks are charging everybody €3.5 billion a go for nothing specific. But it was a big deal at the time and I still like the bit where the bank’s spokesbastard releases the vicious pigs…

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