Dermot Carmody

Pome For Helen Lucy Bloody Burke

Dermot Carmody — Tue, 31 May 2011 14:20:09 +0000

Helen Lucy Burke
Her duty will not shirk
She’ll save us all from sin and rape
With her clippings and a tape

She spoke unto the senator
Oh many years ago
And he let slip
From learned lips
Some things we ought to know

He’ll buy your sons for baubles
If he gets into the park
His sin is great his morals sparse
His intent fell and dark
Oh he’ll pretend his discourse
Was a musing on the Classic
(A little modern for Ms Burke,
Her period’s the Jurassic)

The callers and the tweeters
Of thee they have no knowing:
“This HLB, just who is she
And when will she be going?”

Oh Helen,
Helen Lucy,
Helen Lucy Bloody Burke
Don’t save us from the Senator
Don’t drag up that auld work
Do not protect us, Helen Lucy
Silly Goosey Burke

Song: “Spaniel Goalie”

Dermot Carmody — Tue, 31 May 2011 09:53:49 +0000

For those of you who, like me, spent much of their childhood playing football in the rectory garden with a spaniel, this song will, I hope bring back bittersweet memories. It does for me. Not for the spaniel. He’s dead.

Spaniel Goalie

Pome For Scholesy

Dermot Carmody — Tue, 31 May 2011 09:15:14 +0000

Farewell then, Paul Scholes
You often put with majesty
Your foot right through the ball
To huge effect
(Though sometimes, the contact point was lower)

A Ginger Devil,
You did strut and fret your hour on stage,
Adored from the gods
In the Theatre of Dreams.

“Break a leg, son”,
Fergie would mutter in your ear backstage.
“I’ll do my best, boss”,
You would honestly reply.

Tractor Song

Dermot Carmody — Wed, 25 May 2011 13:06:13 +0000

In some sort of sympathy with protesting farmers I present you with my song about one man’s love for a tractor. Indeed, for all tractors. As it contains both the line “Nothing is better than a Zetor” and the line “I was cheap with a Jeep”, I am very fond of it.

Tractor Song

Guest Columnist Kevin Everett Writes: “Is It Because I Is White?”

Dermot Carmody — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 12:23:25 +0000

Now, I’ve never made jokes about rape (and not just because I can’t make jokes), but it’s abundantly clear to anyone looking even half imperiously down their aquiline nose that the remarks made by the Corrib Gardai were meant to remain private. Indeed there is an excellent case for calling such remarks “fairy cakes” or [...]

Perfect Day (Broadcast on 4fm 05.04.11)

Dermot Carmody — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 18:00:08 +0000

This eight week run of The Emergency on 4fm concludes with Enda Kenny, Michael Noonan, Joan Burton & Eamon Gilmore suffering another dreadful day in the office and reminiscing about that lovely day just a few short weeks ago when they went to visit “that nice lady who lives near the zoo…” This sketch was [...]

Grand Bank Nationalisation (Broadcast on 4fm 04.04.11)

Dermot Carmody — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 10:08:31 +0000

The runners and riders line up for The 2011 Grand Bank Nationalisation, the Peter O’Sullivans are all in position round the course… and they’re off!!! “Over to you, Peter…!” This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on April 4th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios. [...]

Post Stress Test Disorder (Broadcast on 4fm 01.04.11)

Dermot Carmody — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 18:00:12 +0000

The Taoiseach and the Minister for Finance seek to reassure the Irish people in the wake of the devastating results of the stress tests on the Irish banks. This sketch was written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on April 1st 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios. The [...]

Ben Dunne, Just An Ordinary Ben Dunne. (Broadcast on 4fm 31.03.11)

Dermot Carmody — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 01:00:40 +0000

A behind the scenes look at Ben Dunne and what Ben Dunne does and what Benn Dunne says. Ben Dunne. Sketch inspired by a suggestion from Quiatimet, written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 31st 2011. It was recorded at Waveform Studios. The Emergency is broadcast on [...]

Tribunalator (Broadcast on 4fm 30.03.11)

Dermot Carmody — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 19:00:55 +0000

It’s 1953 in a maternity ward in North Tipperary and Mrs. Lowry is giving birth to little Michael. Little does she suspect she is about to receive a visitor from the future… Sketch written and performed by The Emergency and first broadcast on Timeless Hits 4fm on March 30th 2011. It was recorded at Waveform [...]