She spoke unto the senator
Oh many years ago
And he let slip
From learned lips
Some things we ought to know

He’ll buy your sons for baubles
If he gets into the park
His sin is great his morals sparse
His intent fell and dark
Oh he’ll pretend his discourse
Was a musing on the Classic
(A little modern for Ms Burke,
Her period’s the Jurassic)

The callers and the tweeters
Of thee they have no knowing:
“This HLB, just who is she
And when will she be going?”

Oh Helen,
Helen Lucy,
Helen Lucy Bloody Burke
Don’t save us from the Senator
Don’t drag up that auld work
Do not protect us, Helen Lucy
Silly Goosey Burke

Why, Mister Lenihan, are you able to look a radio microphone in the diaphragm and a camera in the iris given the responsibility you bear for this surreal miasma? How do you do it? I can’t. This morning I brought a book back to Rathmines library which my 4 year old son had either allowed or encouraged to be partially ingested by a rogue bichon-friese dog. The dog had literally eaten my book. I felt responsible because I was responsible. I knew that I owed the library and the under-5 borrowing bookworms of Rathmines a book or the monetary equivalent.

I did not feel I could escape this responsibility by dividing the savaged volume into a good book and a bad book. There’s no shelf where the mangled spine and cover might reside masquerading as a book while on another shelf pages 5 to 6 with their still-intact pictures of Bobby The Bunny beaming acontextually out at the nippers. The two good pages of Bobby The Bunny Goes Picnicking may not be retained on the library’s catalogue as an actual book: capable of being stored but not loaned. Because that would be stupid.

I apologised for my failure as a boardbook custodian and accepted that the liability for that failure should be spread among those responsible, not among those who lost out through Bobby’s partial ingestion on my watch. I guess I could have panhandled my way up Rathmines Rd attempting to acquire the replacement book cost from passing citizens, explaining that I had turned a corner and realised that in some curcumstances a book, a 4 year old child and an enthusiastic terrier should not be permitted to commingle. I could have pointed out that said citizens ought to stump up because they would loose all future Bobby-Reading opportunity if they did not. I could have pointed out that things were crazy, there was a dog and a child and a book and we all did it do “whaddya gonna do?”. But, not being a remorseless sociopath, I wouldn’t dream of it.

The Anglo Book has been irrevocably chewed by a mongrel Tiger, Mr Lenihan. You owe us a copy of Bobby The Bunny Goes Leveraging. Also, could you keep the noise down? People are trying to live.

This is an episode of the radio show based on the 2irish web siteI did along with Morgan C Jones at the turn of the century. The programmes were recorded in 2000 and aired on what was then Lite FM radio in Dublin. This one deals with the issue of over-charging of customers by the banks, specifically by AIB, or “Absolutely Invulnerable Bank”. Nowadays overcharging a few million is in the ha’penny place since the banks are charging everybody €3.5 billion a go for nothing specific. But it was a big deal at the time and I still like the bit where the bank’s spokesbastard releases the vicious pigs…

2irish Shortwave Audio News (.mp3)

The Onion: Sony Releases New Stupid....

There are no better fake news places than The Onion and no better fake news piece than this. Understated hyperbole and spookily accurate satire. Enjoy. (Obviously, contains bold words).

“Sony Releases New Stupid Piece of Sh*t That Doesn’t F*cking Work”